As parents we are always proud of our children, stepchildren, adopted in children, (you know your kids friends that won't seem to go home). That is just our nature. As a mother seeing our child achieve a goal, make an accomplishment, receive an award, have a talent, you name it we cheer! Has it ever been one child that seems to get all the cheering and one that just doesn't seem to get that lime light. Not because you don't love them but it doesn't seem like they achieve any goals, win awards, they aren't the go getter that your other child may be. Doesn't mean you love them any less. Just means one gets more cheers than the other. So what do you do when that happens. How can you make the not so get up and go getter get up and get something.
You can't punish your child that does everything you expect and more or expect them to do less just because their sibling chooses the easier side of life. So how can you keep cheering for the go getter winning personality child and still make your laid back child still feel just as encouraged, loved, valued, and appreciated.
First and foremost focus on the positive not so much on negative. If the praise for the other child is getting to the less achieving child chances are they are acting out by maybe throwing tantrums, misbehaving, even smart mouth to your and the other parent. They may even are mean to the more achieving child. Instead of going on and on when they act out STOP, that is what they want your attention. Seriously at any means necessary and it will reinforce the bad behavior the longer your discuss it. So keep the negative reprimand limited. When you catch your child doing something positive praise them. Make a big deal about it. They make an A on a test put it on the fridge announce it at the dinner table. Brag on them.
Second carve out just us time. Spending time with each of your children one on one doesn't hurt but making sure that daily your spending time with your child that is having difficulties lets them know you have their back no matter what. You can take them out for their favorite treat or to the park. Anything that gets you and them talking and sharing how they feel. If you truly listen you can learn a lot about your child. If it is a crazy day then tuck them in making sure you ask about their day, what they did, what the best part was. Don't make it a quick tuck in just to get back to all you have to accomplish before you crash into bed really give them your attention. Chances are they will want to share with you all about their day even if they are hesitant at first. You can always share things about your day to get the ball rolling and get them talking.
Third is value the child you got. Your child is already seeing their sibling as the golden child, the good kid. "They are good at everything so I must be bad at everything" mentality is lurking in your child's subconscious. The more you praise the "golden child" the more you make that true. Tell your child they are special and tell them why. Focus on what makes them unique. Examples are their sense of humor, knack for knowing how others feel, they can draw a house better than no one else. The long list of attributes your child has will help them see themselves in another point of view, yours.
Fourth is allowing your kids explore their own interests. Encouraging your child to embrace activities will help them find their own niche and step out of their siblings shadow.
Fifth is be honest with your child. Tell your child that you understand that you spend a lot of time at their siblings tutor lessons, dance lessons, piano lessons etc. "I know it must be frustrating for you I am not always home with you. I would feel that way if I was you." Being honest with them allows them to know its okay to feel upset and that they have a right to be upset and now you understand. You can now find ways to repair it. Maybe they can go with you to those lessons and you can write letters to each other if it is a situation you have to remain silent, sit in the car and jam out to the radio, or go for ice cream instead of take that conference call while waiting. If it is a situation that they cannot come be honest with them about that as well. Allow them to get upset and then allow them to come up with ways to be able to have quality time with you as well. Even though you may not be actually spending the time with their sibling while your gone they are not going to see it that way they see it as your gone their sibling is gone with you. You can honestly tell them till your blue in the face but until they see it with their own eyes it may not register with them that just because your gone together your not actually together. Also they see it as their sibling is getting to do something they love so they are getting your attention and getting to do something fun. Being honest with them may put this subject into perspective and break this ugly circle all together.
Even though kids are packed in these short little bodies they have big hearts and feelings and when they feel underappreciated by their own family it can really take a toll on them. I hope this post helps any future issues between your children. Each child is unique in their own way. One may be the top of their class while the other may just be the next inventor.
No comments:
Post a Comment